Lincolnshire
Where do I begin
My mother went into a care home in 2019. At the very beginning I noticed that there were things that weren't quite right. For example training a dog in a hallway. I almost slipped over the dog. The dog isn't there now but, from the day that I complained I was treated like a leper.
I noticed things like things that haven't been cleaned. I noticed that mum's teeth weren't in. Iin fact her teeth got lost and we had to go and get more teeth and mum couldn't eat much that Christmas in 2019. When lockdown came it was very difficult for everyone. Mum wondered what was going on. I used to write to Mum most weeks just to give her a bit of an update on what's happening around the outside world. There were times when I spotted that Mum had a UTI so I would mention it . Mum had delirium and I would have to tell the carers to check mum's urine and there were occasions when she did have a UTI. As I was concerned about the regime of the lockdown visiting, I sent numerous emails to both the care home manager director and head of care. They never apologised for anything in fact they said I was aggressive in my emails all because I tell the truth.
As time went on I reported them to CQC for various things - mainly about the visiting ,essential caregiver status they wouldn't give met. They went to get a nurse from the doctors surgery to speak to my mum and try and explain what essential caregiver was to her, but they didn't explain it very well so I was declined for the third time. They said that Mum didn't want one.
By that time I knew my mum was being manipulated. I would have conversations with them once lockdown was over. We had a visit in the entrance hall 30 minutes. Every time I complained about something my visits were exactly 30 minutes. Occasionally I get an hour and I was grateful for that but they made me feel like I had to be grateful.
One day last year I was having a conversation with Mum and we put it on video. Mum always said she wanted to come and live with me but when I spoke to Mum about it on that particular day somebody was listening to my conversations and I suspect they've been listening for quite a while, so we don't get any privacy as mother and daughter. So when I complained about this I was served an eviction notice for the second time.
The first eviction notice was in the middle of lockdown and I had to beg them for Mum to stay because it was in the middle of covid. When they first gave an eviction notice there's no way I was going to be able to get mum into another care home in lockdown. The stress was unbelievable for me I really don't know what it's like for Mum as she never complained. It's almost like she felt she had to be grateful that she was being fed and watered so to speak and every time I sent an email I would get an aggressive email back. In fact this year they banned me, they said they didn't like my emails and they said that I've been aggressive towards their staff and intimidated them.
How can I? I only got 30 minutes in the entrance. I didn't even have time to be aggressive or intimidate anyone. In fact that's not me at all. Anybody that knows me knows I've never be aggressive. Yes I'm deaf and so is my mum so sometimes I had to project my voice so my Mum could hear. They even said they didn't like the way I talked to my mum but mum's deaf too and I'm deaf. I suppose that was just another thing to put to what they were going to do to ban me. I was banned from March 2022 so I put in another complaint and that's when things changed. My brother was then given priority. They said they were not going to deal with me anymore because the relationship has become untenable. In fact somebody tried to put a safeguarding against me but that didn't work because it was unfounded and was stopped at source.
I'm now in the process of trying to get my mother home. This is the second attempt I've had. The first attempt I was going to try and get mum into a different care home because Mum wasn't having a proper family life especially with her daughter. When I went to collect my mum in Feb my brother had confused her and so did care home and obviously been working on her. They were packing her bag the night before and my mum got really upset. Why would you do that? Why wouldn't you wait for the following day?
Anyway I went to get my mum and I was told to go behind, to the back entrance the car park as mum wanted to talk to us. Well she didn't basically. My brother asked if she wanted to leave and she said no. What he said was "do you want to leave to go to another care home?" Then when I asked mum she said "I don't know" If I had arrived half an hour early and I noticed that my brother was in talking to my mother, even though they had had covid in the care home, he had already been talking to my mum to try and persuade her to stay and there's nothing I could do ever since. In the end mum didn't leave that day and was humiliated, intimidated by my own brother and the care home. Theer was about 7 members of staff and it was almost like they were a hit mob. I was intimidated in fact I had a panic attack .
The care home that Mum was going to go to said to me come and have a cup of tea. I did and that care home would be perfect for Mum but mum had to stay where she was for now. So my next chapter was to try and get my mum to come and live with me and that's what I'm doing at the moment. Social services have been to see my mum 3 times. She said she wants to come and live with me consistently, and I'm not sure if that's going to happen in May. We'll see. But this time I've got support. Someone coming with me to observe what happens. I know it's really just about being banned but it's also about the fact that care homes have more power than the relatives. I have seen many times mum's glasses not been cleaned,her teeth being loose and full of food, her button undone on a blouse so you can see everything. I'm scared to complain now. My emails get ignored. I was told never to email any other staff but now I can't lie. I've got one person they've allowed me to email and she doesn't email me back very quickly. In fact it's almost like I'm being victimised by the care home as a relative who only wants to love her mother and have a relationship. Mother's Day I didn't get to give her flowers personally. I had to talk to my mum through a window. I miss my birthday with mum - we normally spend birthday with my mum chatting about old times but no I didn't get to do that this year. I'm hoping that I do get spend my mum's 98th birthday this year with her at my home so this story hasn't ended yet it's still ongoing, but I have to say I have never ever been treated the way that I have been by an organisation who think they know my mother better me and unfortunately my brother knows them in the care home because they're all his friends.
It have put a lot about the way the mum is being treated bu there is a lot more to this but I think I'll stop there - to be continued to see where the story ends.
Anything that I said to the care home I can back it all up with proof that I do know and I've done everything by the processes that I'm supposed to according to my legal advisor, so watch this space and I'll let you know what happens in may. Will I get my mum home with me?